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How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life



How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life

There are stories that make us look closely at our lives. And make it better and more interesting. We have brought you some such inspiring examples. They seem to be completely ordinary and unremarkable – here no one won a million and bought a private plane – but reading them, I want to turn the mountains a little bit. See for yourself.

“I am not allowed to”

This is a story from the life of Barbara herself.

Dreaming is not bad. Pocketbook

When I decided to establish “women’s success teams”, I carefully told my husband about this. He frowned, “I don’t like this. I do not like when women work with women. That worries me”. I panicked.

“What do you mean? How can I continue if you don’t like it? What should I do now?”

He looked at me as if I were a little crazy: “What do you want!”

I said: “In what sense – do what I want? You will be angry! ”

He replied: “So what? You are often angry with me, but I do what I want! Where did I get the power not to let you do something? Well, angry! It’s just that women working together make me nervous. Nothing, get used to it. But why should I love it right now? ”

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life


And I thought he was right. Why am I so chickened? Because in any adult a little scared child is still hiding. We often respond to our partners as if they were our parents. We give them far more power over us than any adult has over another adult. We do not declare when entering the house: “Hello, I decided to become a veterinarian.” We are afraid that they will be angry. Instead, we say: “Can I become a veterinarian? Oh please. You do not mind? Will you Still Love Me?” And not having received full, one hundred percent approval, we feel like we were stopped. We complain: “He does not allow me to do what I want.” Or: “They force me to choose.” I call it Syndrome I’m Not Allowed.

Conclusion: you are not a four-year-old child, and this person is not your parent. This is just a man, and he is scared. You paid him a lot of attention. And now, all of a sudden, a huge part of your energy goes somewhere else. And it seems to him that you are leaving. They express their gloomy fears in the form of irritation, and you suddenly feel that you are being pressed.

But we all need to learn a new language of love – not the language of socks, fritters and checks, but the pleasure of each other’s uniqueness and mutual support.

If you think your family loves you for the role you play, there is only one way to check it. Drop this role and go through the fear of losing love. You will not lose her. All you lose is a bit of peace.

“I want just that.”

Jesse, quiet and shy, was about forty-five years old. She lived in Atlanta and led the affairs of her husband, a famous architect and local star. The husband constantly went to meetings and parties, and the wife at that time was engaged in tedious paper work. Jesse had no idea what to do with her life. And so she joined the Success Team – a self-help group of six people who constantly met to help each other fulfill their cherished dream. Jesse’s team did everything possible, trying to help her in the search, but nothing was found.

What to dream about. Pocketbook

– Maybe you should look for a job that you like more? They asked.

“I don’t know,” Jesse answered, “for some reason I don’t want to.”

Months have passed. One day, Jesse entered the room where her group was gathering and announced:

“I want to take part in the winter dog sled race in Bear Griz.” (Bear Green is a town in Minnesota.)

The team members were dumbfounded.

– Are you sure?

“Yes,” said Jesse, “I want just that.”

– Do not share why?

– I do not know.

– Do you have any idea about sledding?

– Nope.

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life


Everyone was very happy that Jesse had at least some desire, and therefore immediately rushed to look for her a school, a dog driver — anything. Finally, someone talked about the summer training camp for dog drivers, and on a warm summer day, Jesse was there, went to the trainer and said:

“I want to learn how to manage a team.”

The coach looked at a miniature forty-five-year-old woman in a straight skirt and comfortable shoes and decided to cool her ardor. He harnessed the dogs to a training sled on wheels and gave her reins.

– Here is a try. See if you like it.

And suddenly he gave the dogs a command – they rushed forward. Jesse barely kept up with them. She stumbled, slipped, almost fell face down, but still held out with the dogs the entire training circle. Having finished and taking my breath, she smiled at the coach and said:

– Great!

He laughed and agreed to teach her.

When winter came and it was time to go to Bear Grizz, Jesse realized that she had no one there. She asked the coach if she could introduce herself, referring to him, but he replied:

“Jesse, I can’t go for it.” You’re still a beginner, and I need to maintain a reputation.

And so the Success Team drove her to the airport and carried her out with loud encouraging screams (and secret fear). Arriving in Bear Greeze, Jesse saw a small town – almost from one street – littered with snow. Experienced drovers sat with their dogs everywhere. Struggling with embarrassment, she approached everyone and asked if anyone needed a handler. Finally, she was taken to her team, whose assistant fell with the flu.

And Jesse drove a hundred and sixty kilometers on a dog sled. And after the race I called the Success Team, and they were in a wild delight. Jesse returned home completely satisfied.

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life


Smiling broadly, she told her comrades all the exciting details.

“This is happiness,” said the team member.

“Yes, that’s it,” Jesse agreed.

“Now what?” – asked the comrades. – Will you train further?

– No, I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Everyone was shocked and silent. And then someone asked a question:

– Well, what do you want to do now?

Jesse replied:

– Leave the job.

Conclusion: desire can be trusted. It never occurred to anyone in the group that Jesse was not ready to leave an ungrateful job and go out into the big world until she could cope with a serious challenge. But something inside her knew about it.

Think about what you want, and when there is any desire, do as Jesse. Let it not bother you how practical it is – start acting. In longings there is practicality above rational explanations. Desire will show you the right direction better than any rules or good advice.

“Is that all true?”

Sometimes it seems to us that we want one thing, but in fact – we are trying to drown out a completely different feeling. Lee, a photographer’s agent, suffered from burnout at work. She came to Barbara Cher with the desire to radically change her profession. Lee loved gardens and music, and also with pleasure came up with comedy scenes. But even when they took all her addictions and included them in a seemingly wonderful life plan, Lee still looked very unhappy.

“It’s not easy for you to comedy with such a mood,” said Barbara.

“I know,” she answered.

“You really like all this, right?” Gardens, music, compose humoresque?

– Yes, I really like it.

– Right?

– Yes exactly.

Then Barbara decided to trust her intuition.

– Is this all true?

– What do you have in mind?

– Sorry for the tactlessness, but what about your personal life?

Lee burst into tears.

The bottom line was that Lee didn’t need any career. She tried to want to strive for a career. But in fact, she needed Steve, a kind and shy mathematician, whom she met for two years. He recently moved to another city.

– Why did you hide it, and did not take out the top line of your list?

“Because it’s impossible,” she said. “He doesn’t need me.” And then, I feel like a rag, since a man is more important to me than a career.


Barbara suggested that Lee move with Steve to another city. Lee resisted: after all, Steve himself said that he did not want to continue the relationship. But Barbara explained that if Lee moved closer, they would be able to see each other and they would have time to understand if Steve was really sure of his decision. In any case, she did not value work in New York, so nothing held her back. She could sublet her apartment and live on savings for several months. And during this time, deal with the priority – Steve. Lee agreed. She called, said that she would like to move to his city, and asked if he would help in the search for housing. If he refused, she would show respect for his desire, but Steve very quickly agreed.

She took a cat and a typewriter and moved three hundred miles. To the apartment he found is not far from his house. A few days later, she joined a literary group and began working on her humor books.

Steve did not leave her a single step. It turned out that all this time he was terribly bored, but also justified his decision to part with a variety of reasons preventing them from being together. Soon his fear passed, and he proposed to Lee. They have been married for ten years, and not one of them has ever regretted it. Over the past few years, Lee has written two novels and is now working on a third.


Conclusion: correctly place accents. Finding the right deal was a distraction for Lee. Lee wanted to knock herself off the trail because she was ashamed that she needed a man more than her career.

But trying to subordinate the senses to the mind is like throwing a card that shows the path to a happy life. This is a great way to get completely lost.

Sometimes it seems to us that the thirst for love is a tribute to the old idea that our mothers inspired. This dogma did much harm to women who longed to engage in meaningful work and participate in a game where they would definitely succeed. Resisting the old dogma is reasonable. But it is important not to get confused: the right to meaningful work does not negate the need for someone to love. It will never occur to a man for a minute that it is wrong to desire both love and self-realization.

Based on the books “Dreaming is not harmful” and “What to dream about”

How to understand what you want | Three stories to take a look at your life

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What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners



What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners


What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

Man is a social being, for his survival, he needs a group. Unsurprisingly, a large proportion of our instincts and programmed behaviors are geared toward building intragroup relationships — collaboration and competition for resources. There are three basic strategies for this interaction: take, give and exchange. More details – in this material, prepared according to the book “Find a Mentor“.

Three strategies

Find a mentor

Depending on the circumstances, we can use any of the three strategies, but, as a rule, each of us has one that we prefer.

“Exchangers” – these are those who act on the principle “I give, so that you give me too.” They are the majority in society. Their focus is justice.

“The takers” – focused on maximizing their own benefits in a relationship. The interests of others do not bother them.

Finally, there is also “Givers” – these people are focused on selfless help to others. Their focus is relationships.

What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

Which of these strategies is more winning? Based on the research data, the following can be said. In the early stages, the takers are the most successful, while the givers are the outsiders.

As you move up, the picture changes to the opposite. There are almost no “takers” at the heights of success. But among those who have achieved outstanding results, there are unexpectedly many “giving”. The “exchangers” show stable average results at all levels.

People who are focused on their own benefit rarely reach the top. The reasons for this are obvious. A systematic disregard for the interests of others alienates those around them and increases hostility. In other words, within the framework of this strategy, each subsequent step repels friends and multiplies enemies. As a result, sooner or later, a person remains alone. It’s good if by that time he manages to reach the top.

But even so, success often looks like this: you are sitting in a tree, under which a pack of hungry wolves has gathered.

Another strategy of greatest interest is “give”. According to research conducted, most selfless and selfless altruists who are concerned about the welfare of others and are willing to help them to the detriment of their own interests are losers, which seems quite natural. On the other hand, it is the “givers” who achieve the greatest successes.

What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

Key factor

Why? Is this a game of chance, or is there some factor that distinguishes successful givers from unsuccessful ones? Such a factor really exists. And this is your environment. Both are equally trying to help everyone and do not expect immediate rewards. Both those and others in response receive the sympathy and approval of others. Some of them seek to provide a reciprocal service – they are “exchangers”. Some take advantage of the value they receive without considering it necessary to give something in return – these are the “takers.”

The difference between losers and winners is what happens next.

The loser continues to help everyone equally. And here everything depends on the case – how many “takers” will be in his environment. If not enough, he will survive. If there is a lot, it will quickly lose all resources and opportunities for growth. The winner, on the other hand, knows how to identify the “takers” and remove them from his circle, so a network is gradually formed around him, which together brings him more than he put into its formation. From some point on, it becomes a key success factor. And the sooner he learns to do this, the higher his chances of achieving outstanding results.

Prepared according to the book “Find a Mentor“.

What is the Difference Between Losers and Winners

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